


i’m putting out my hand, you don’t wanna hold it

by dawningofdrag



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Completed, M/M, Non AU, Oneshot, an almost relationship, sad gay times, title based off of inevitable by orla gartland bc we’re in pain, very mild smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawningofdrag/pseuds/dawningofdrag
Summary: It was the first time Nicky texted her since they spent summer together in LA last year, and the text preceding Nicky’s most recent one stung in a way the younger queen didn’t necessarily find appealing.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Nicky Doll, Nicky Doll/Gigi Goode
Comments: 14
Kudos: 39





	i’m putting out my hand, you don’t wanna hold it

**Author's Note:**

> The aftermath of an almost relationship between the nicky and gigi post-show. Kind of a ‘what if they also had a branjie moment in s12’. Anyway, first angst AND first fic that's over 2k words, yay!! Thank u to my amazing perfect beautiful beta @pinkgrapefruit for correcting my tenses (as always) :>

**‘it’s weird seeing us flirt on national television’**

Gigi’s heart skipped a beat when she heard her phone ding from the coffee table in front of her, already knowing who sent her the sudden text. 

It was cold. It was the middle of March and the nonexistent heating of her apartment caused her fingers to shiver as she reached for her phone. The blankets that wrapped around her shoulders fell off as she reached out, feet kicking out of the bundle of fabric and placing themselves on her carpeted floor.

The latest episode of drag race had just finished airing, the commercials that came after it playing on Gigi’s flatscreen and it’s overproduced audio filled the small confinement of her living room. Their blatant flirting in untucked had just played on-screen mere moments ago, and the 22-year-old could already hear the intense screaming of the fans in her head. She turned off her notifications for Twitter and Instagram before the episode even aired, aware that the second the moment Nicky grabbed Gigi’s hand was televised everyone would go batshit crazy.

She opened her phone, tapping away until she got to her most recent text, the blue, red, and white heart next to the sender’s name all too familiar. Probably a little too familiar for Gigi’s liking.

It was the first time Nicky texted her since they spent summer together in LA last year, and the text preceding Nicky’s most recent one stung in a way the younger queen didn’t necessarily find appealing. The romantic nicknames and pink heart emojis brought back memories the American would rather forget. 

**-**

_“You’re beautiful,” Gigi whispered into the French queen’s ear, arms tightly wrapped around Nicky’s neck. The feeling of her bare, sweaty skin on hers elicited a loud moan from her swollen lips. “Fuck- right there-”_

_The empty hotel room Gigi called home for the past two weeks was now dim, the lamp by her bedside table the only source of light they had bothered to keep on. The plain white sheets were barely hanging onto the corners of the thick mattress they laid on, tank tops, vintage tees, and colored pants discarded by the foot of the bed. Hungry grasps and a desperate need for touch caused Gigi’s hotel room to look like a tornado passed through, but she didn’t mind. She was willing to clean up the mess they had created if it meant feeling the way she currently did, pressed tight to Nicky’s chest._

_Their non-stop flirting on set the past two weeks had finally turned into more than just dirty jokes and accidental hand touches. Gigi had teetered on the edge of the limit she had set for herself for a while now, Nicky standing on the imaginary line with her._

_But the second Nicky locked lips with her after the first elimination, the self-control she prided herself in turned nonexistent. The older queen had cupped her cheeks and leaned in and before she could stop herself, Gigi kissed back. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around the french queen’s waist, holding tight and wishing the feeling she experienced once their lips met would last longer than the few seconds it lasted._

_It all happened so suddenly. The hand holding, the kiss, the three hickeys on her collarbone Nicky created in the empty set bathroom before they rode the van back to the hotel. Gigi felt like she was dreaming with how quickly their relationship had escalated the past six hours. Before she knew it, their naked bodies had collided and fuck, it felt good._

_Nicky moved quicker as she placed her hands on Gigi’s shoulders, her thrusts, powerful and quick. A loud whine escaped Gigi’s lips as she threw her head back into the pillow. The queen on top of her leaned down and claimed her with dark bruises on her prominent shoulder blades to accompany the ones left on her skin hours ago. Gigi writhed and moved underneath her, the collision of Nicky’s skin with her own enough to almost drive her over the edge. Her long nails dug into the older queen’s back as she savored in every movement Nicky’s hips made._

_“So fucking good-” She heard Nicky exhale, her tan hands clutching her waist. Gigi looked up to meet her dark eyes, a shiver running down her spine. “So fucking beautiful.”_

_-_

**‘I know its kinda weird lmao’**

Gigi set her phone down to take a deep breath, pulling back the fleece blanket around her, trying to find some sort of solace in the heat it provided. The thoughts of Nicky overwhelmed her like a tidal wave, crashing and breaking and ruining the sandcastle wall she’d built to protect herself. _God, Nicky was going to be the death of her._

The thousands of memories she had shared with Nicky came in so quickly, and Gigi was pretty sure they didn’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Every waking moment she spent with the French queen replayed in her head, rolling like they were the videos in her camera roll she would find herself watching at three in the morning when she’s had too much to drink. 

She heard her phone buzz, pulling her out of the trance she found herself in. She slowly moved to grab the phone that laid screen-side down, toying with its clear case before she found the courage to pick it up and read Nicky’s response. She took a deep breath and opened it.

**‘do you miss it?’**

“Fuck.” Gigi let the curse slip through her lips, mind going a million miles a minute. 

-

_“Why do you have to go back to New York?” Gigi whined, still not bothering to let go of her tight grasp on the older queen. Her words slurred a little, her droopy eyes meeting the French queen’s dark brown ones. “I wanna spend more time with you-”_

_It was chilly, the late-night breeze probably a bit too strong for Gigi who’d only worn a denim jacket and a vintage tee. The stars shone brightly above them, sky clear from the clouds that would soon arrive in the fall. She looked down at her hand that was wrapped firmly around Nicky’s, and just like that, she was warm. The interlocking of their fingers was enough for the low temperature of night to no longer bother her._

_She looked at Nicky, and she thought about how she shone just as much as the clear, bright stars of the California summer._

_The alcohol had hit her over an hour ago, the normal filter she’d put her words (and sometimes if needed, even her thoughts) was currently non-existent._

_They had just spent a full night out in Los Angeles getting drunk at Showgirls and eating their body weight in greasy bar food. There was not a single regret in their minds. Well, none for the time being. Those would probably come in the late morning._

_All of a sudden, Nicky stopped in her tracks, turning to face the younger queen who stood next to her. She lifted her hands, trailing them up the pale queen’s body before cupping Gigi’s cheeks. She had drunk a little more than she planned on and it prohibited her ability to think before she did anything._

_She pressed a kiss on the taller queen’s forehead, then her nose, and finally a longer, lasting one on her lover’s glossed lips. “You’re cute when you’re drunk. Do you know that?”_

_Gigi couldn’t hide the giggles that erupted from her mouth, looking away as her cheeks flushed. “You’re cute too.”_

**-**

She stared at the blue cloud on her phone screen for longer than she’d be willing to admit, sitting back down as she thought of a way to reply without sounding… weird? bitter? desperate? The heavy feeling in her chest intensified the longer she thought of a reply. 

Her emotions went haywire and she could already feel her fingers tremble. Her breath deepened with every inhale, bottom lip between her pearly white teeth. The loud commercials that played from her TV turned to background noise, the sentence displayed on her phone screen causing her focus to shift. 

Maybe she was angry. Maybe she was furious.

But she missed Nicky. She missed Nicky more than she wanted to, and Gigi didn’t think she could deny that no matter how hard she tried.

They had ended whatever they had almost a year ago, but Gigi still found herself missing the way Nicky’s arms felt around her when they slept. Gigi missed the way her tan skin would shine under the bright California sun when they would sneak off to the beach after a long day of lounging around in the American’s shoebox of an apartment. She missed the way her dark hair would smell, the scent of her musky perfume that reminded her of the mornings where they held each other until the heat of the season pushed them away. 

After what felt like hours of contemplation, Gigi finally responded to the text with simple words. She couldn’t bring herself to add more to it, afraid that saying too much could lead the conversation to places she didn’t want to go.

**‘i do’**

Gigi waited by her phone for a reply, her eyes constantly checking to see if her home screen had lit up to display her lock screen and the time. She got up to leave her finished glass of wine on the kitchen sink, attempting to distract herself from the reply she so anxiously waited for.

She jumped when she heard her phone go off, her hands reaching to grab the device like her life depended on the words written in Nicky’s response.

**‘i miss it too, sometimes.’**

-

_Gigi thought of making Nicky lunch before she had to leave for New York._

_She wasn’t a cook by any means, she never really enjoyed it simply because it was more work than purchasing food from the restaurants down the street from her apartment. But it was a special occasion, and the American thought there was no harm in a simple romantic gesture. She was head over heels anyway, and according to her judgement, there was no point in hiding it anymore._

_She whipped up a pretty little sandwich for the older queen who was smoking a couple of cigarettes on the pathetic excuse of a balcony Gigi possessed in her apartment. Nicky sat on the one chair she could squeeze into the tight space, tan legs resting on the metal railing that was slowly getting colder the closer they got to fall. The younger queen took a couple of photos of the cross-cut she had carefully plated on one of the many three plates she possessed, posting the dish on her story before walking to her bedroom where the balcony jutted out across her unmade bed._

_“- no it’s not! You know I’m not ready for that shit.” She heard Nicky exclaim from the balcony._

_Gigi slowly walked up to her, watching her flick the ashes from her second cigarette into the vintage marble ashtray the younger queen had bought for Nicky when she heard she was coming. Gigi let a soft smile paint her glossed lips, more than excited for the reaction she could possibly acquire from the New York native._

_“Of course we aren’t serious, Kandy.” Nicky scoffed, dragging a long inhale of the smoke as it filled her lungs and left it just as quick. “I don’t do the whole relationship thing, takes too much effort.”_

_“I just came here to have some fun! Let me hook up and have fun in peace, you bitch.” Nicky snickered, waving around her hands as she talked as if the person on the other side of the phone was right in front of her._

_Gigi felt numb._

-

**‘but i’m not ready for what you want and you know that.’**

She had moved to her bedroom by the time the next message came to flash itself on Gigi’s phone screen. It was dark now, dim yellow fairy lights the only thing illuminating the cozy space in the dark winter night. She tried to distract herself even more from the blue cloud that littered her brain as she busied herself before bed. She didn’t bother replying the first time, fully aware where the conversation was leading to. She didn’t want to go there. Not yet. Gigi didn’t believe she was ready for it.

Her fingers still shook like they always did when she was too emotional, the quiver of her hands evident when she went to brush her teeth. She laughed it off the second she noticed, instead, focusing on the rest of her nightly routine that she deemed more important than the second text which was waiting on the bed she used to share. More important than the sinking feeling in her chest she tried to convince herself wasn’t there. 

She had settled into bed before reading the latest text but her desperate attempts to keep her feelings at bay were failing her.

The grip on her black phone tightened, her manicured fingers hovering over her phone’s keyboard unable to conjure up a proper response. She felt a lump in her throat form as she held back the tears that sat by the edge of her light brown eyes, and she remembered the time she cried the same tears only months before. “Fuck you, Nicky.” 

Gigi’s voice cracked as she whispered, gritting her teeth in order to suppress the great anger that was dying to leave her chest and into the phone in front of her. She couldn’t breathe, her vision blurred from the tears that were collecting in her eyes. She found herself choking on the sobs she held back, so she dropped the phone on her green comforter.

Fuck, she wanted to call her. 

She wanted to call her and beg for another chance. Her fingers itched, wanting to pick up the phone once more and tap the call button. It was a risk that Gigi herself didn’t think she should take, but her brain lingered on the thought for a while. She knew she was getting desperate for the queen on the other side of the phone, and denying it didn’t help her at all. Fuck, maybe if they met again, if they spent another summer together in California, if her lips lingered a second longer on hers, it could change Nicky’s mind.

But instead of saying so, she replied.

**‘i know.’**

**-**

_“What are we, Nicky?” The question left Gigi’s lips before she had realized it._

_Nicky had ignored her since she heard the loud clatter of a plate dropping itself on the dresser by the balcony door._

_The atmosphere inside the small apartment had changed drastically in the matter of milliseconds. Gigi scrubbed on the dishes harder than she usually did, closed the bathroom door much louder than normal, and you could hear her dismayed grunts when her hair didn’t sit on top of her head the way she wanted it to. Nicky had finished packing, rolling her large purple luggage by the front door when Gigi spat out the words she dreaded to hear._

_“I have to go-” She avoided Gigi’s gaze like it would hurt her if they met eyes. The American walked closer to the smaller queen in front of her, picking at the skin around her thumbs to ease the myriad of thoughts that ran through her head a mile a minute._

_“Nicky, please.” She spoke softly, but it was as if she was alone in the room. Nicky still refused to look at the younger queen and reply no matter how long she seemed to wait._

_“Answer me,” Gigi spoke much louder now, her pain still somehow passing through the tough wall she tried to put up with her second request at a reply. She felt like screaming._

_The room fell silent, Nicky not even daring to move. It was so quiet Gigi could hear the faint rumble of a motorcycle from the roads close by._

_“Please.” Her voice cracked, eyes bloodshot from holding back in the tears that were itching to flow. She allowed only a single tear to stream down her face, fingers shaking as she subconsciously wrapped her hands around her lean frame. Gigi closed her eyes._

_“You said you don’t want anything serious but you held me when I told you I was cold.” She called out, finally harboring the strength to keep talking._

_“You held my hand when we walked around Sunset and you told me about your dreams when we ate breakfast.” She continued, the tears from her light brown eyes now everflowing as she couldn’t find the willpower to hold them back any longer. Gigi wanted to stop talking in case it got her into waters so deep she wouldn’t be able to resurface, but she kept going._

_“Gigi-“_

_“You wouldn’t come to California for me if you didn’t want me the way I want you.”_

_Gigi could start to feel the thick humid air that accompanied the coming autumn season, a heavy feeling on her shoulders starting to build up and cause her shoulder to slump._

_She scoffed, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, already feeling the quiver of her hands as she brought them up. “For the past two weeks, we’ve spent every second together and only now do I realize-”_

_Gigi took in a shaky breath. “- you’re fucking playing with me.”_

_“I am not-”_

_“But you are!” The brunette let out a laugh, bloodshot eyes meeting Nicky’s for the first time since the phone call. “I’m just some toy, huh? You think you can come and go whenever you please and you expect me to not get hurt?”_

_“I didn’t want you to get so attached-“_

_“Bullshit, Nicky.”_

_They stared at each other for what felt like hours, neither showing signs of backing down now that Nicky finally had the courage to face the younger queen. She grasped the handle of her luggage tightly, knuckles turning white at how hard she was holding onto it._

_“I’m young, but I’m not fucking stupid,” Gigi whispered through her tears after an eternity of silence. She met the older queen’s eyes one last time before she watched her tan hands reach for the front door._

_Nicky opened the front door and left._

-

**‘you’ll find someone out there who will want the same thing you want, i promise.’**

Gigi hated Nicky. 

She hated Nicky with every fibre of her being, the pain and anger consuming her every thought when her brain would bring back their warm summer memories. She wanted nothing but for the pain to leave her exhausted soul and transfer itself to Nicky, make her experience the heavy emotions she’d carried on her back ever since Nicky had left to go back to New York. She felt her blood boiling at the thought of the way Nicky knew where to hold her when she needed to be held-

The way Nicky knew exactly what to say at any given moment, no matter the circumstance.

The way Nicky would press a kiss on her forehead and suddenly everything she worried about disappeared.

She hated Nicky, but _fuck_ , she loved her too.

Gigi loved Nicky. She missed her, wanted her, _loved_ her. And that was all she needed to stop hating her.

It was four in the morning when Gigi finally replied.

**‘what if i want that someone to be you.’**

**Author's Note:**

> hope this was a decent comeback 💗 feel free to hit me up on my tumblr @dawningofdrag


End file.
